All That I've Tried
by Evie1
Summary: Burden of Proof Post Ep. Sara/Grissom.
1. Default Chapter

1 All That I've Tried – A Sara/Grissom Fic  
  
Special note:  
  
Thanks to Caitlin C, Nick, and professor creepy.  
  
My first language is not English, so, please don't be too annoyed by the grammar. I appreciate a correction note in the review section.  
  
Disclaimer: CSI & etc. does not belong to me. "So Unsexy" belongs to Alanis Morissette. I made nothing out of this story other than personal satisfaction and a healthy mental state. Don't sue me.  
  
&&&&&&&&&&&  
  
  
  
"Oh these little rejections how they add up so quickly  
  
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood  
  
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power  
  
1.1 To make me feel the way only my father could"  
  
  
  
This was one of those nights I spent alone in my apartment. As usual, the darkness and silence welcomed me when I turned on the lights.  
  
I told him I wanted to quit today. This was not an easy decision for me. I never wanted to leave this place; I never wanted to be away from him. I just wish he could hear the scream and tearing heart when I told him, almost calmly, that I wanted to leave.  
  
"Sara you little fool," a little voice echoed in my mind, "you know he couldn't hear you. He never did."  
  
I filled up the bathtub with hot water and some vanilla bathing gel. I breathed in the sweet scent and the steam deeply as the water in the tub rose slowly.  
  
What had I done? How did I get to be like this?  
  
######  
  
She always remembered the seminar in her second year of college. A theoretical physics student being as uncertain as she could be, a friend in biology dragged her to a seminar about forensic science. "This could be fun," she remembered Lana said, " You will never know what's ahead of you, Sara. You're way more than the type to be stucked with math and stimulations."  
  
Lana was right.  
  
The lecturer was a handsome fourty-ish man. The age did not erode him; instead, made his natural charm glowing. He seemed to be a little bit shy just like most of her professors in physics, but when he started to speak, the glow in his eyes simply took over the hall.  
  
She was fascinated by forensic investigations. She always wanted to do something that would make a difference to the world. She was an idealist.  
  
After the seminar she walked down the seats and stairs. There were students already crowded him with more questions. She patiently waited till everybody was finished. She asked him if it was possible for a physics major to participate in forensic investigation, and what background she would need to have.  
  
Something in her must have moved him. Perhaps he saw a young version of himself in her as a youngster trying the impossible. She would not know anyway.  
  
He answered her questions, encouraged her to work to her dream, and left his name and contact number. She carefully read that piece of paper ripped from his notepad. Gil Grissom, 555-xxx.  
  
"What's your name?" he asked.  
  
"Sara Sidle."  
  
"Sara, if you ever have trouble finding an intern job, call me. Being a forensic investigator, it's all experience that matters."  
  
She smiled, looked up to him and said thank you. Her eyes met his, and he smiled. The warmth and glow from his eyes went through her.  
  
She would not know that she would be working alone side of him two years later.  
  
  
  
@@@@@  
  
  
  
She called once the summer after the seminar. The person who took the phone said that Gil Grissom was transferred to, somewhere else she could not remember now. She hang up the phone and could not make the next call to him. Sara found a summer job anyway, processing fibers, plastics and metals in a private lab. The next fall she tried to finish her physics degree and picked up chemistry and biology courses at the same time. When Sara graduated, instead of heading to grad school like most of her friends did, she landed herself as an intern in the Boston PD Crime Lab.  
  
When she walked into the lab, she gasped. Gil Grissom. What a pleasant --- surprise. He was her supervisor now.  
  
"You probably don't remember me. My name is Sara Sidle and we spoke two years ago after a seminar in Harvard."  
  
He remembered her. The skinny girl with bright eyes and a cute gap between her teeth, was visibly uncertain about her life yet with unlimited passions and intelligence. Having so many students during his career, he felt a special connection to her. Maybe she reminded of his early self. She seemed to be more mature than two years ago. The confidence really made the difference.  
  
"The physics student, right?" He smiled. "I see things are doing great for you. Impressive resume. You really tried to make this happen. Good job, Sara. Now, first thing first, I need one pint of your blood."  
  
  
  
And so it began.  
  
  
  
&&&&&&&&&&&


	2. Patience

Chapter 2  
  
The phone rang. It brought me back to the reality. I stepped out the steamy bathroom. Cold and dry air suddenly grasped me. The machine could take it but I desperately need a human voice.  
  
"Sara Sidle speaking,"  
  
"Hey, Sara, it's Warrick. You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."  
  
"Is it true that you're quitting?"  
  
"Leave of absence", I hesitated. "I need to take some personal time off."  
  
"Sara, I know you didn't like me that much at the beginning, but I think you are a responsible person and a great CSI. What happened?"  
  
I did not know how to reply. Strangely, just by hearing Warrick's voice and not seeing him in person, I felt like open to him. Usually I kept a distance from him. Just a voice on the other end of the phone, I thought.  
  
"Thank you Warrick, you are a great CSI too." I finally said, with uncertainty. "I need some time to reflect my life." Who was I kidding?  
  
A sigh came from the other end. "It's not like you, Sara. This is your life. CSI is your life. We were all surprised to know that you are quitting. Catherine was shocked. Greg was devastated. Nick said he asked you about this but he didn't buy the "reflection" thing."  
  
Yeah, there was only one person seemed not to care. "Do you buy it then, Warrick?"  
  
A long silence, "Sara, I don't mean to pry, but I had noticed for some time. Is this about Grissom?"  
  
I crashed in the couch. Tears running down my face uncontrollably. I was so glad that nobody saw it, but my voice could not help sending the impression of crying. I could not speak.  
  
"It's okay, Sara."  
  
"Sometimes," I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. "Sometimes I felt that he took me for granted. He never tried to understand me. I tried to reach him for so many times… Anybody else including himself are allowed to be emotional and only on me it's a problem. After all that I've tried…"  
  
"Hey, it's okay, girl…" I realized from my endless sobbing that it was Warrick on the other end. What the heck. I would probably no longer working in CSI after tomorrow, why not. After I stopped sobbing, Warrick started.  
  
"The way I sees it, " he said slowly. "Grissom is not the boss material. Before you came in he was not our supervisor. He is a cool guy all right, well, a little bit weird sometimes, as a mentor, and as a colleague. The time you started working with us, he also jumped into this supervisor thing."  
  
Yes, I knew that, and the point was…  
  
"He is still trying to fit in the shoe of a supervisor. By experience he is for sure the best guy, but by dealing with people, I think he is still learning."  
  
Did I misunderstand Grissom? All because he had trouble expressing his concerns? So much for unfeeling.  
  
"Did he say something to you, try to make you stay?"  
  
"He said that the lab needs me."  
  
"Sara, he is a shy guy. He did not know how to express his feelings. I think he can do better than that but for you there is always something awkward. Call it a hunch. Don't take it serious though. He does not take you for granted, Sara."  
  
"What was that "he is still learning" thing, again?"  
  
"Oh, right. Again, I don't mean to pry, and I don't know what's between you and Grissom before you came in, but you always give me this feeling that you need his attention."  
  
Oh. This was embarrassing. I admitted that, sometimes, I needed his attention.  
  
"Maybe. I am not really aware of that."  
  
"Griss has billions of things on his mind; all of a sudden he became the boss, and he couldn't give you the attention you need. Or he did not want to show, for whatever reason, favoritism, anything. "  
  
Nice analysis, I thought to myself. This came from Grissom's favorite CSI who told me that I didn't want to see another woman in Grissom's life.  
  
"After a year and half. He didn't know I am a vegetarian. He didn't know I was against killing animals…"  
  
"He is goofy in many ways," Warrick laughed. "Incredibly smart in one way, completely clueless in another. Talking about ignorant. Blood in the fridge? Not reading memos? That's how the world goes, Sara. Everybody has a weakness or two. Deep down he cared about everybody in the lab, including you."  
  
I smiled. Goofy.  
  
"Anyway, I am calling just want to tell you that, if you're quitting because of Grissom, you have to think again."  
  
Sigh. I had lost my faith in this man. Almost. I realized that the tab was still running, so I rushed in bathroom and turned it off. The vanilla steam completely covered me. I breathed in the sweet scent, maybe to clear my mind. I sat down on the bathroom floor. "Yeah?"  
  
"Remember the time you took yourself as a bait with the Feds? Man, he totally lost his cool."  
  
Oh my. I remember how hurt he looked when I told him I volunteered.  
  
"If it was Catherine he would not be so scared, trust me. First, he really knew you, and second, he could not risk you because you are like a family to us. To him too. After Holly Gribbs everybody's a bit cautious…"  
  
I started to regret. Maybe I really overreacted.  
  
"Sara, you are special to him. You are the only person in CSI can catch up his speed. You two are always in light speed and traveled far ahead, sometimes I can't even catch up. Working with Grissom for all these time, I'd never seen him communicating so easily and comfortable with anybody at that level, till you showed up. And not to mention the internal investigation on me you had to do for him. You're the one he trusted."  
  
^^^^  
  
Grissom was my mentor, my supervisor in my first real job in Boston when I graduated from college. He pretty much "took care" of me, and I learned everything from him. Everything. Starting from simply standing beside him and watching him do the work, to getting hand on and doing the real work, he was there, every step of the way. I never really noticed how we communicated, perhaps like a seminar alike someone once told me. He was like a father to me. I did not know since when I started to live on his approval. It seemed to be the only way I could get his attention as a student. As enigmatic as he was, I never knew how he felt. Except for the day before he was transferred to Las Vegas. I was promoted to one level higher, and no longer a rookie. I sat in his van as we finished a crime scene and was on the way back to PD. Looking into the night sky and it hit me. This was the last time. Life turning people apart, I thought, and I was going to have my way. I turned around to the driver's seat. "You know, I am going to miss you. Thank you so much, Grissom."  
  
I did not get a feedback till we finished our shift and he called me at the door. "Thank you, too, Sara. It was great having you here." Something was in his eyes, sparkling, watery.  
  
Figuring he would be extremely uncomfortable, I stopped the impulse to hug him before it even started. "Good luck in Vegas, and keep in touch."  
  
^^^^^^  
  
"Warrick," I finally spoke. "Maybe this has to do with Grissom, but it also has to do with me. There are things I have to think about before I start working in the lab again. Thank you very much anyway."  
  
"Are you saying you are not quitting?"  
  
"I will think about it." I smiled. "Thank you so much, Warrick. I will see you soon."  
  
Hanging up the phone, I heard somebody knocking on the door. It was a guy from the flower shop.  
  
"Miss Sara Sidle?"  
  
"Yes." A plant. A living plant in the middle of the night, delivered to me.  
  
"Have a good day, Miss Sidle."  
  
Closing the door, I found a card hidden in the green leaves.  
  
  
  
"Thank you  
  
  
  
  
  
Gil Grisom"  
  
  
  
  
  
I could not help but smiling, laughing. People in flower shop must have spelled his name wrong. Perhaps this was the most rewarding moment in my life since the day I arrived Las Vegas. For him, there was nothing too little, too late. Maybe I just needed to listen, try to understand him, and be more patient, like the first day I met him, like the summer night in Boston. Patience.  
  
  
  
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me  
  
I jump my ship as I take it personally  
  
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly  
  
The moment I decided not to abandon me.  
  
  
  
  
  
I could feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful  
  
So unloved for someone so fine  
  
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting  
  
So ignorant for someone of sound mind  
  
  
  
  
  
~Fin~ 


End file.
